The Poetry Corner

Computers

‘They’ll take over the world. You mark my words – computers… will take over the world’ said  Bill.

Samuel was about to reply, but Bill continued. ‘I mean they already have. You’ve seen these supermarket self-checkouts. They’ve already won.’

‘Won what? I’m not sure I…’

‘You’ve been brainwashed’, interrupted Bill. ‘Computers and bankers are working hand in hand. Computers are made in China; China controls the banks.’

‘I’m not sure it’s as simple as…’

‘China. Computers. Banks. The axis of evil’

‘Look, Pointless is on’ said Samuel.

‘I like this’ said Bill. ‘It’s clever. Like the Chinese. Say what you want about them, but they are clever.’

Bill fell asleep, and Samuel stole money from his pocket.

 

John Lewis Advert

The John Lewis advert is great!

John Lewis have done it again with their John Lewis advert 2013!

I just want to run outside and shout ‘#johnlewisad2013′ or ‘#johnlewisadvert2013′ that’s how much I love the John Lewis ad!

I think this John Lewis advert is even better than the John Lewis advert 2012!

I can’t wait to go to John Lewis and buy my John Lewis Christmas presents! Or at least get that great John Lewis customer service to look at stuff and then buy it cheaper online!

John Lewis! John Lewis! John lewis! John Lewis

#johnlewis

 

 

Cheese-influenced short story 2

Ralph walked towards a black door on a cold, winter’s evening, and knocked repeatedly.

There was no answer, but he could vaguely hear something beyond it. ‘What the heck?!’ thought Ralph.

He peered through the front window but the lace curtains obscured his view. Confused, Ralph walked to the side of the house, and immediately noticed the patio doors were wide open.

He walked through. ‘Hello?’ he said, again and again. No reply. But still he heard noise that he could not distinguish. Until he came to a another door. The sign on this door read ‘Gary’s basement’.

Ralph opened the door and walked slowly down a long, spiralling staircase. The air was stale and humid. And now the noise was becoming clearer: the barking of dogs. Ralph’s excellent dog-knowledge told him that there were many dogs here, and a variety of breeds. And significantly, that they were in great distress.

But also, as he approached the bottom of the stairs, he could make out the sound of John Motson commentating on a football match. The barking was too loud for Ralph to make out  anything, although he did hear ‘Morten Gamst Pedersen’ surprisingly clearly.

As Ralph emerged into the strangely cramped room, he was rendered speechless. All around him he could see every breed of dog imaginable, squashed cruelly into cages: German shepherds, Labradors, Collies, Alsations – there was even a Thai Ridgeback and that’s generally regarded as one of the world’s rarest breeds. And sat in the middle of the room, watching Match of The Day from several years ago on a small television, was Gary Lineker, holding a hammer.

‘Gary?!’ said Ralph, desperately…

Gary stood up, and tapped the head of the hammer slowly and repeatedly into the palm of his hand.

‘I scored ten goals in World Cup finals. Not qualifiers, that’s not the same. Ten goals in World Cup finals. People need to remember that.’

Cheese-influenced short story 1

‘Record numbers of people are suffering from intense loneliness’, said the politician.

‘This is a cause of national shame. We are not finding time in our busy lives for the lonely, particularly the elderly.’

The politician shuffled his papers and continued.

‘Also, anyone not working but being given money needs to work now. A lot. Even if there isn’t any work. They can just dig a hole.’

A gentleman in the audience raised his hand…

‘Why don’t you pay people who aren’t working to hang out with lonely people then? I mean it’s a bit patronising… but doesn’t that make sense – given what you’ve just said?’

The politician smiled. ‘We need to get Britain back to work’.

‘Right. Sure, but what about the suggestion I just made. Based on the two points you just made…’

Suddenly, a trap door opened beneath the man in the audience. He disappeared down a chute, which led into a small dark room. Huddled in the corner together, he saw the lead singer of Travis, John Major and Carol Smillie.

‘Funny’, said the man. ‘I thought you’d all been a bit quiet the last couple of years.’

The lead singer of Travis did not enjoy this comment, but didn’t have the strength or energy to respond. He looked particularly malnourished. Smillie, on the other hand, was doing surprisingly well.

Social Media

‘You know what excites me? The power of social media. The power of social media innovation to transform the fate of startups and entrepreneurs across the globe. There are businesses – successful businesses – that are turning big profits through nothing more than careful manipulation of a variety of social media platforms. That’s incredible right? Tell me if that’s not incredible – because I think that is incredible! Social media is changing – what am I talking about – has changed, the way we communicate. Social media excites me. What excites you Ben?’

‘Cake’.

Center Parcs

Money’s a bit tight…

I mean it’s not Africa tight, but it’s tight.

I can’t bear to tell the kids there’ll be no holidays this summer.

But I just can’t think of how we can do it.

Unless, hold on, what’s this… 30% of 5 nights during peak time at…

CENTER PARCS!

 

Well the boys will love it! Sport, sport and more sport! It’s a good job they like sport!

Admittedly the ticket price for the cabin and general park admission doesn’t cover most of the specific sporting activities

The cost can escalate rapidly…

But the ticket does include unlimited access to the central swimming area!

And potentially bike hire for the week although I’ll have to check! I can’t wait for…

CENTER PARCS!

 

The girls won’t like it as much but still there’s something for everyone!

Bella Italia, Cafe Rouge – you can eat round the world!

And dad won’t miss a second of football – the sports bar will cover that!

There’s even a magic show at the Pancake House! Which is only at the one in Wiltshire and I imagine we’d go to the Suffolk one – but magic over pancakes – how bad’s that!?

When I was a kid I got the impression that it was an unimaginative alternative for a real holiday,

But I was so wrong about…

CENTER PARCS!

 

There’s a spa for mum!

And a quiz night for the whole family!

Keep your eye on that credit card dad ‘cos there’s shopping too! Although statistically speaking it’s now just as likely that the credit card would be paid off using a joint account that mum contributes to in equal measure!

Actually it looks like bike hire is not included in the ticket price.

But I’m not worried about that! And maybe the girls can share,

Because we’re all going to…

CENTER PARCS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t tell the neighbours

‘Don’t tell the neighbours’ said John.

‘About what?’ asked Janice distractedly, reading an old cookery book

‘About the outhouse. They’ll ask about planning permission. I may get planning permission, but it’s not guaranteed. And I’ve bought too many breeze blocks to back out now. I’m in too deep. I’m sorry to have to say this Janice, but here’s the bottom line. Here’s the cold, hard truth Janice. Whether we get planning permission or not, I have to build that outhouse. I’ve got too much riding on it. The outhouse gets built, legally or otherwise. It’ll be the first time I’ve broken the law, but I have no choice. I’ve invested too much in that outhouse’

‘John, don’t…’

‘Jan don’t try to stop me. Please. You know how much I’ve spent on breeze blocks. And architrave for the inside. The architrave wasn’t even a priority, I got carried away. I’m in too deep Jan. I’ve bought architrave.’

‘John just…’

‘Please. Don’t let this get between us. Whatever happens. Even if the council get involved. Even if we lose the house as a result. I don’t even know if that’s possible Jan. I would assume not, it seems ridiculous. But regardless, please, just trust me. We’ll get through this. If we can just keep it all quiet. If we’re really clever about this Jan, we can make this work. We have to. I’ve also bought this special water-resistant filling for the roof cavity that possibly won’t even be suitable but…’

‘JOHN! We got the planning permission. It came through earlier. They said it’s fine. It’s too small to be an issue. They seemed completely disinterested’

John threw up. Then he cleaned himself up, kissed his wife, and started building the outhouse immediately.

Jimmy

‘My name’s jimmy’, said Jimmy.

It was cold out, and there was a fox in the road sniffing a packet of jelly that had been run over.

‘Jimmy – you ever think how different life could have been with just a couple of different decisions? Just little ones – but they could have changed everything…’ said another man to Jimmy

The fox scampered into a poorly kept garden.

‘What like Sliding Doors?’

‘Sliding Doors?’ said the other man, confused

‘Yeah, the film, Sliding Doors. She misses the train, and because of that, her whole life is completely different to if she had got the train’ said Jimmy

‘Never seen it. Any good?’

‘Not really. She’s too skinny for my tastes’

The fox went back into the road to sniff the jelly, but this time got hit by a drunk driver.